Sunday, February 28, 2021



Rakesh my editor has delayed my project by about 4 months as on August 2020. I had to take a cab during the peak of covid to be with him and sit with him to get an output for a presentation. Hates to do such things. Rakesh mentioned that I am a manipulator. 

I am too broke to have a transaction, I am too tired to have a negotiation and maybe manipulation was done. It was done after a delay of four months. A lot of energy was spend. I look at the project and I don't want to watch it. Too much energy spend. Too much time spend. A lot of effort and such delays push me off. I can't push this train all by myself. Last project had Rakesh pulling it from front and me , Vysakh and Rahul pushing it from behind. Prabhu helping eventually to complete it.  I am tired and I am not happy.
I decide to shoot a scene just to get back into the project but then I realised my lead actor is out of town. If he was available I could sneek in a few scenes and finish it. I cant. I organise everything and Nikhil , Sreenath ,Zhinz Shan, Vysakh and everyone agrees but my DOP is in the containment zone. I fix everything and sits for sometime when a moment of clarity strikes me. What if one our members get covid. Is the risk worth the reward. Why should I shoot something at such haste so that my editor can delay it another four months. I am tired. I want to pull out of the project. I decide that I am going to delete everything about the project. I will regret this. Maybe I won't.
However without producing a content without writing and shooting I may go crazy. I decide on what I can shoot in this period. I wrote a sci-fi screenplay in three days. Took a toll on me. That is stupid. I want to cast my friend Sanju SIVARAM as lead but he will probably think I am crazy.
As I took a break and got a little refreshed as I took class on Screenwriting an idea struck me. I had earlier written something about a real estate investigator hunting down a serial killer. I had pitched this to a producer and they wanted a known face. I could visualise Tovino in it and they agreed. However I am not mentally prepared to meet convince/with Tovino who by the way is a gentleman in our brief association. I had written 10 drafts of it and once read it out to Sandra, Rahul and Shyamin. They hated it and then I had changed it. In the attempt to completely revisualise it I had taken out one of the back stories and decided not to tell that part. That backstory had some serious drama element. If I worked on it for a week I could create a noir out of it.

Every noir follows a pattern. A person searching for truth, a fem-fatale with a case, a dark underbelly of crime and degradation of the protogonist in a world of capitalist crime. This pattern will be followed in Kraya Vikraya Prakriya. The lead character should be a 45 year old man. The lead character needs to be a good actor too. A person who will passionately push the project miles ahead. I speak to Zhins Shan. I decide to write the content and do all production roles myself. One month later we have two episodes of Kraya Vikraya Prakriya and I don't regret the decision. It's not the kind of expression I usually do. It has a quirky foreshadowed n it has a lot of 'Tell and Not show'. It has actors doing convincing parts and not scenes evolving organically. I know a lot of people might judge me for the piss puddle shallowness and lack of philosophy and stuff. But FUCK THEM. I decide to work new wonderful actors and ask them if they want to contribute.  They will have fun. I will have fun If something affects my intend of having fun that will be eliminated. It will be a compelling story in my /our It will be in my comfort zone and still help me learn about storytelling skills. 

KRAYA VIKRAYA PRAKRIYA is taking shape and so is the happiness in my heart.

Thursday, February 11, 2021


There are days when nothing seems right and the thought of ending everything without giving a chance for a new start arises. The pain on my lower disc has entered into its 11th year now. I can't possible even think straight.

I have found a new producer for the movie PurushaPredham written by Manoj Sir and Screenplay by Ajith. We are waiting for actos dates. Prashant Chetan seems not interested.  

 I really don't want to be a fish in this pond. i just want to make films , Make breakeven money and kill myself or die whenever the time is right.

The pain is too much and the valium is making me rant. I am lonely. Vrithakithyil is not yet sold and Purushapredham is in the the desk. Aavasavyuham will finish in march. I do not want to make malayalam films. This is one thing that i am clear. 

Thursday, August 13, 2020

Head of the Department

Day 6

Woke up early. I have a bad headache. Should I skip office. Shirts are not pressed. Found an iron box in one of the boxes in the guest house. The iron box has square pin. Will have to go to office shabby.

The college couldn't even provide an iron box in the guest house. It's sad. Is this a temporary makeshift college. 
I decide to rectify this for the next person who takes the room. There are no autos. The uber rates are high. Decide to book an uber. It's 45 minutes away. Decided to walk. Can't walk 4km. 

Had pazham pori. Car arrived. The office staff room is full. I am late by 30 minutes.i have no personal machine and I don't have a laptop. The college hasn't given me a laptop yet. Or a mail I'd. Or a chair. I think system is in its nascent stage. The HR acts stern but if a new recruit has no chair then she is simply not doing her job. The new building is being made. 

I go and sit in a sofa somewhere in the campus.

Day 7
Woke up late
I feel like I have fever. Yes, the temperature is high. I eat paracetamol. I decide not to go to college. 
VarunX has sent a task for the team on Whatsap. I don't want to skip the task. 
I take a share cab and go to office. I have  a feeling I might not last. Sreeju explains the task in a clear and precise way. Sreeju is a painter. Dheeksha and Sorsing helps. 

The task is a piece of cake but I also understand details in Visual research. I need to map it to help my skills. I have a severe headache. Syama comes in the evening. I am looking forward to seeing her. Hopefully she will be in a good mood.

Day 9

Woke up late. Syama seems to be in not so great mood. The academic head had asked me to go to another institute and help the coursework. It seems the institute is owned by the current owner of this college. I don't like this idea. This is what my mother does. Sometimes when an electrician comes to repair the fridge she asks him to help her repair the gas stove. I couldn't sleep proper since the thought that the whole institute might be run like a 'parallel college' of the eighties. I negotiated money with the Academic head. that didn't work. Today I am in a bad mood somehow. i completed photography syllabus and checked out wonderful photographer like Moises Saman. I have a headache.

Day 13

 I would say today is one of those days where pain makes you kill yourself. My disc is hurt bad. I can't walk. Ajit came to help, Rahul got me food. I informed Mohan Singh the academic head. Today I wanted to be in office. I am getting a hang of the system. Even though the management does not give much shit about how we are not provided with a seat to sit or a machine to work on I feel this is a system where I can contribute. That too a lot. 

Not only for the money but because I like it. Because it comes naturally to me. But I can't lift my leg. Sorsing helped me a bit with my task yesterday. I am still unable to understand the excel sheets. There is no one who will walk help us Walk through the sheets. VarunX gives only feedback. He is doing the same thing I was doing at Sacred Hearts. Only worrying about output and not helping the team to find the path by being with them or showing the way. 

At least in this task. He is getting paid for the task and he is doing that. He has a vision in design learning. However I am not as efficient in documentation like Sorsing. Or academic lingo like Dheeksha. Or smartly playing smart around with the system like Jino. The pain killer I had is playing with my head. Hopefully this won't show up on my blog. If it does ... It does. I will stay at Ajits house or not. 

Day 60

Another day in ISCAx college goes by without a proper seat to sit or a workstation to work on. Now i am used to this. Everyone who is responsible to  give me a seat or a workstation is as trifling as me. Naga sir offered me his machine 30 days back. Diplomacy won't help me. 

Another guy (Jason)  came and acted like he will solve my problem some 50 days back. Everytime I see him I laugh in my head He won't/can't do shit. Poor chap. Ann (our HR manager)  is sorry. 

It is embarrassing sometimes to call ourselves international. The only thing international is European closet in our dirty wet bathrooms. 

_------ the rest of the notes are missing. They still owe me money

Day 86

Yesterday I was a given a new machine. for the past twenty days the college handed me a laptop that I could use. I was using it whenever i could since the same laptop goes into class. 

I was asked to exchange the high config machine that I got to a medium config machine used by another faculty. However later I figured out that it was Sreeju sirs machine and he doesnt have a machine to work. I feel bad.

My machine doesn't have internet. The college lacks basic facility.

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

IFFK Competition section

My phone stopped working around morning and I didn't bother to find the perfect angle for the charger. I can skip a few calls and a few people. Makes me feel better and normal.I have classes all day. The college i teach sometimes get me on my nerves since there is classes in the morning and evening.  Its hectic and makes me want to quit.My Academic head comes and ask me to send him a passport size picture. I open the desktop go to my mail and see a mail from Kerala Chalachitra academy. I imagine roughly the content of the mail. "your film is good ..blah ..blah ..blah ... but we cant select your film...better luck next time" I don't open the mail. The academic head stands next to me as i send him my passport picture. The one i took before leaving for Thailand. The one in which I look like a wild animal catching a beam of light whhile crossing a road. I open the mail again. 

"We are happy to inform you that your film Vrithakrithyilulla Chathuram has been recommended for screening in the International Competition Section of the 24th International Film Festival of Kerala to be held from the 6th-12th December 2019 at Trivandrum, Kerala.   ". 

I am silent. I turn around to my academic head and tell him. He asks me to send another passport size picture for some other thing. I am not excited. I should be.

I try to find the perfect angle to get charge onto my phone. i remember vaguely wishing if i had a good phone. There is enough charge and I started getting calls from my team mates. I am still not sure if the news is authentic. To be in the international film festival of kerala and that too to be in competition with jallikattu (the film of my favorite Malayalam director Lijo ) I should be excited. I am not. This happens to me. I am never in the moment. I am on a random trip in a good moment. Then i celebrate the memory.
Vysakh Reetha my associate comes to see me as we prepare for something related to post production of our film. I start to get calls from a lot of people. My wife had ordered a new phone. I will pay her back the money. Now  i can receive calls. i feel a lot better. How a small thing like a mobile phone empowers you. Then after 4 days and answering to some 25 calls it struck me. This is big. i am excited and overwhelmed. I am so excited I am shivering. This is a high. 

VC poster 1

Vrithakrithyilulla Chathuram poster 2 

the premiere

Director kamal speaking about our film 

To be in context IFFK 
The International Film Festival of Kerala (abbreviated as IFFK) is a film festival held annually in Thiruvananthapuram, the capital city of Kerala, India. This film festival started in 1996 and is hosted by the Kerala State Chalachitra Academy on behalf of Department of Cultural AffairsGovernment of Kerala. The festival is held in November or December every year and is acknowledged as one of the leading cultural events in India.[
Several national and international films have their premiers at the IFFK each year. Competition section is limited to 14 selected films produced in Asia, Africa or Latin America.[2] The festival also has a section devoted to Malayalam cinema

I am suddenly a filmmaker even-though I have been making content for the past 6 years now. This is a niche local circle. This is where malayali filmmakers want to belong. I am in it. We are in competition. There should be bliss but the excitement soon turns into a nightmare of depression and paranoia as it always happen with me and my mental state triggered by the slightest inconveniences. 

The fear of inevitable death had creeped in a few years back.  My associate director once said 'we need to keep ourselves alive till iffk". As a film lover and resident of trivandrum Iffk had opened up world cinema to us. I remember crowding around theatres to watch great films, engaging in conversation at indian coffee houses, secretly admiring filmmakers and their non-chalance. 
On the day of screening our 5.1 dcp didn't work - we had given dcp making to an idiot and he screwed it up and we didn't have budget to check in a theatre. The chalchitra acadamy also was not prompt in checking our files. We all felt bad. The film was well received and academy helped us rectify the sound. 

At the festival our film was greeted with joy. There was an overwhelming response. We had our international premier at the best place possible. T V channels were speaking to us continuously. Some said it was fluke while others said it was well deserved. Some loved the film ,some loathed.

We didn't win any awards. We were just in the moment. In the high. With the flow. 

Me and My associate director - Vysakh Reeetha

our team meeting the press

Syama our costume stylist and art director

me and Vysakh reetha at meet the director

Dignitaries on stage before meet the press

With channel 24

Pur cast and crew few minutes before screening

edtor Rakesh chherumadam at screening 

I got a momento for the film - memento 

Between technical malfunction we answer the crowd

Vishnu Prabhu . Nikhil, Shyamin, Sreelakshmi, Shreya

Syama's fangirl moment with Oorali martinand writer Unni and Zhinz 

Rakesh (editor) and Shyamin (second unit director)

Answering questions 

Zhinz Shan actor at IFFK


Our lead actress S Kukku and associate Director Vysakh R eetha 

Amma and Pirapancode Shantha at the Show 

With Doordarshan 

Interview with Athira from Indian express 

Interview with Athira from Indian express 

Meet the director event

To be in a competition - shooting a film with minimal resources (sony alpha and vintage lenses) on a minimal budget - to tell a compelling story - we have infact validated ourself as resourceful, creative, compelling storytellers and could compete with grand big major films. To be on a podium with all these big fishes itself is a kickass feeling.  We know what we did to get there. There is no IMPOSTER syndrome, There is no Dunning Kruger Effect - there is exhaustion from all the exerting and pushing oneself. Without a programmer , without any mentor from the festival, without any help some of us outsiders are here to represent our art. chalachitra academy deserves a big round of applause.

Saturday, February 29, 2020

Design Things

Design thinking is a tricky area. There is more to understand and less to talk. More to do with thinking aspect and research than decorating stuff. For masters student at ISCA decorating is everything. My first task was to work on this area. Content over form. Tough as it may sound students were too hard on me. 

The truth is most of this students are in the wrong place. They have been told that they will be taught design but they are learning 'business aspect of design'. The management decided that this is better for the future of students. Its not completely communicated with them however a lot of students are finding it hard in that college.

Roughly I carve out certain things that should be part of any design thinking course

Empathy and Emotional Design

Research methodologies in Design

Design Process and Methodology

Human Centred Design

Design Entrepreneurship

However mapping this too theory would only make it further boring for the students. I decide to incorporate practical problem solving approach. Tried to find examples that relate to my field of filmmaking, VFX.

As part of the course I invited my friend and stand up comedian Vivian George to speak to students regarding comic timing and joke iterations which in itself is a design process.

The second stage included bringing my best friend Saira Fabian who is design consultant /UX designer/ universal designer to speak about challenges in designing for everyone.

The student feedbacks were quite good on this.

There were a few students who didnt want to learn this. Some of them who thought tha they are talented and inborn prodigies. I wanted to say first of all, "if you were prodigies you will figure out that all this is a sham. This glass class rooms. This mediocre learning facilities. This marketting gimmick is all a sham. You haven't figured that out so SHUT up genius" However I dont do that. I don't get angry. We say in films. "SHOW- Don't tell". In time some of these students will remember some of the process I spoke about. They wont thank me becase if they really understood it they will have a feeling that they figured it out. That's what I feel.